How appropriate then, that the return to school would usher in a whole new world of horrible.
I failed Math. Gone. Done. Applied math down the drain. Now I have to take consumer math this semester. Goodbye to my easy cool semester.
I failed Biology. I didn't need the credit for University. Apparently I don't even need it for graduating. I think that's a goddam lie. I'll find out tomorrow in my meeting with Mrs. Scott
I am afraid I may have failed English. Grade ELEVEN english. For the SECOND time. Mrs Baricz did not say so... but very ominously in first period she said, to no one in particular, "Everyone is sure they got their eleven credit?"
What is my problem? I don't know. Would you please stop asking me? Maybe I'm just lazy? No. This isn't goddam laziness, this is induced laziness. I'm not lazy about much so what the hell. I don't want to hear people saying "How could you?" or "How did that happen?" or "Why didn't yuou just do your work?" Because I don't know. I can't stand this anymore. II have to graduate. I have to go to university. I am NOT becoming a faceless entity in the world. I will go to university and I will DO something.
Why can't I just make myself do anything. Am I that pathetic? That I can't even control my own self? What the hell is my problem. What the hell is my problem!?
And what will Rae think of me? That I can't commit to something? That I can't pay attention? Will this kind of garbage leak into our relationship. It can't. Oh god don't let it get to that./ Though it won't I won't let it. Why don't I work properly? Why can't I succeed? I have motivation. I just.
Fuck. I don't know what the hell to do. I'm so scared. I need Rae here right now. Looks like she went to school though.
At least I'll graduate... that's a definite. Will I go to university next year? Not a chance. I'll need a year off. Half a year off at least to get the credits I need and build up my average. That's the most important thing. I have to graduate and I will. I can hold on to that at least.
I'm leaving. It's time to do my english homework. And I'll god damn well do it too. I'll smash my gamecube if I even start thinking of something else.
I'm sorry to complain to you people. None of you deserve it. I deserve to deal with this all by myself. I deserve the pain because it was ME that fucked everything up.
It's hardest when you know it's you. When you have no one to blame. I need a scapegoat but I know there is none. What is wrong with me?
Why do I even exist. To fail?
Been awake since 1:52:47 PM
Sunday, January 26
What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
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well then ^_^
Been awake since 1:52:42 PM
The past few days have been the most beautiful in my life. I've shared some of the tenderest, most romantic and loving moments with Rae. It's been amazing. From our phone call that went to nearly two in the morning, full of silence and words of love. To a few days ago... where Rae and I shared a night full of happiness and passion... as well as nervousness. Oh god it's been a beautiful week.
But this morning, Rae isn't feeling so well, so I'm here for her to help her through it. I just want to hold her tightly and let her sadness drift away. If I can do that, I can get on with the rest of the day happily. As long as I know she's ok.
I love you so much Rae
Been awake since 1:42:48 PM