I'm going to fucking explode! You people have no clue how insane I went when I didn't get to talk to Rae-chan last night. NO CLUE.You know what pisses me off? Not here. Rae could never piss me off. She can scare me a little sometimes but never piss me off. The system pisses me off. These INCAPABLE and UNRELIABLE modes of contact piss me off!

Then today, I make sure I can talk to her. I had plans with Brad so I had to cut them early. Went to Brad's at twelve to get back here at eight so I could get online and talk to Rae-chan with PLENTY of time to spare. PLENTY. What the hell happens? I get home and my door is locked. Locked. Fucking. Tight. I told dad I would be home around 8-9 and he said "don't worry, I won't be going out" WELL THEN WHY THE FUCK DID HE GO OUT? HE FORGOT! He couldn't comprehend that SIMPLE message! He KNOWS I don't have keys? SO what did I do? I went across the street to our neighbours and sat like a fucking lump, angrily watching the Royal Tanenbaums and stared out the window for my idiot dad to get home. ANd he does. AT TEN. I frantically ghet online, refusing to talk to Amber, I check Rae's blog enough to know that she really needed to talk to me today. WELL WHOOP DEE DOO! I wasn't there for her. As angry as I am at my dumb fucking ass dad, I'm more angry at myself for being such a DIPSHIT. Don't like the caps? FUCK YOU. ONce again, frantically I dive for my phone and I call her. I don
t fucking care if my dad get's a 78000 dollar phonebill I'm gonna talk to Rae. No answer. Again no answer. AGAIN AND AGAIN no answer! STartling realisation? I missed the boat. Rae is going through horrible times and what do I do? I GO TO FUCKING BRAD'S. That's the last time I ever try to do something for myself. I was supposed to go to Erin's house tomorrow night with Pam and Brad to watch a bunch of Kenshin and stuff. That is going out the fucking window if I don't talk to Rae-chan by then. I wish I knew where Rae-chan was. Even if she went to AMBER's I'd call.

And here ya go Amber, at the moment I could care less about if Rae gets mad at you. The way you're treating this whole fucking situation. How could you? I'd never do that to you. Well Rae, I have heard some things from Amber. She says you haven't told me nearly everything you told her, and that you are keeping me in the dark about some horrible things. Of which, she told me one. I don't believe her. I don't trust her. I know she's lying, but I want top hear it from you because I trust you and I love you and I KNOW you wouldn't. AMBER I KNOW HER. She would never. And I hope you get the biggest tongue lashing ever for me prying this out of you. I'm normally not like this. I'm normally half decent. But oh fuck if I won't make exceptions for what may be one of the biggest hurdles in my life. I will NOT trip up on this! This will come up in my favour. In Rae's favour. In OUR favour. I won't accept any other possibility.

FUck the world. I wonder if Rae-chan feels like this.

NO PROOFREADING

Side note: I love you Rae-chan. I love you so much. More than anything. I trust and love you and I know you feel the same way about me. I want to talk to you so badly. I need to talk to you as badly as you need to talk to me. Tomorrow, I don't leave here until 2:30. If I don't talk to you before then than I'm not going. Not until I get to talk to you. I will check online EVERY half hour and I will wait by my phone all day. Call as early as you want if you need to. There is absolutely no way I will get through tomorrow withought talking to you. I love you, sleep tight. You're probably asleep right now, maybe you and your family just slept through my calls. I dunno. I promise I'll never call you multiple times at 10 at night again. I hope you read this as soon as possible tomorrow. If you call and there is no answer, just keep going. I WILL pick up. If you wake up at 2 in the morning and read this, call. Call anytime. Please. I love you so much and this is killing me just like it's killing you. I will NOT aceept loss. This is just one more hurdle. Relationships go through these all the time. We deserve eachother. No "we're making eachother so sad ;-; maybe we should..." Because that's a load of B.S. We'll get through it if we can just talk. That's all we need. I Tried Rae. I treid SO hard... PLeaseant dreams. I'll talk to you tomorrow. G'night ^_^

Been awake since 10:39:22 PM

Friday, November 8

Bwah! ^____^ Rae! You never came back! I needs to work tomorrow, so if you could call around 9:30 around there, if you're not too tired still? ^_^ just post something up if you can.

Been awake since 12:20:27 AM

Wednesday, November 6

I had a lenghty speech written up that my blog won't let me publish, so I'm resorting to this. In short, call. You can delete this post whenever you'd like.

Been awake since 5:53:13 PM

RAE: Amber told you to read my blog hopefully o_o well apparently I had the need to post almost half a dozen times so what you need to look for is a couple posts down o.o you'll know when you see it ^_^ Please tell me you're in better spirits

Grah! What a horrible time for me to be curious about Kotori's blog. e.e I'm glad it's so easy for her to twist my words. What the *censored for the kiddies* ever. blah. I was gonna send her a letter but she really, really, really, really doesn't want to hear from me from what I gather. *frowns* WHo said bad things happen in big chunks? I'm certain I heard that somewhere before... dammit. Can't remember. It really really hurts to lose someone like that. I keep feeling like everything was my fault like she's decided but I should stop. Some things were my fault. Not everything. I mean, I didn't say exact specific words she wanted to hear so I wasn't understanding. Come now! There's fault enough for everyone!

Blah. I have to keep typing or I'm going to get depressed again. Needa keep my brain going and my hands typing. So blah blah bla.

I remember back at the SMU when my brother wanted to go on so I played as Orcen for him XD I dunno why I remember it.

I think I need a diary. I think maybe if I had a diary of some sort then I could keep my emotions there. Last night was a horrible time for me. Luckily I was the only one home so I could be as loud as I wanted. I had to put my pillow in the wash when I woke up.

So in the hall today I randomly kicked a locker and said something like *censored for the kiddies*. Everyone asked what was wrong but I didn't say anything. I kept saying something like "nothing" and she stormed off. I think she's mad I won't tell. How am I supposed to tell? I don't even know for sure what it is I'm worrying about. I just have a horrible idea and I am hoping and hoping against hope that I'm horribly wrong. So yeah, I think I'll head home for now. Catch ya on the flipside.

Been awake since 3:09:03 PM

So I wound up at school this afternoon somehow. I stayed home most of the day but had to come now for my audition. We're auditioning for our show, this year it's "Les Miserables". I think my audition went well, they all smiled at me. Of course I could just be the butt end of some joke.

And on tonight, I'm sorry, I'm nt being open ended enough. Aside from the fact that we HAVE to talk, Rae-chan may have something to do tonight, or maybe it's too late to call. So if you can't call Rae, could you maybe suggest an alternative? Keeping in mind that I work tonight, am at my mom's tomorrow, work on friday and have saturday off.

luv, Donovan

Been awake since 2:35:45 PM

Tuesday, November 5

That post should be ignored. I don't have the right to force my burden on Rae-chan. She has enought to deal with. There is a problem though. For obvious reasons I'm not going to school tomorrow. Things to do. But Rae-chan won't be able to talk to me during the day like back in the day, because she's at school. I would then have to go to work about the time she gets home.

Rae-chan. I would ask that you post something on your blog. I won't order you, I've been wrong in doing so. I ask you to please, if you read this. We need to talk. I want to call you tomorrow. I work until 9:00 and cannot talk until then. We need to talk on the phone. Lock yourself in your room, and I'll do the same. We can talk together, plan together and inevitably cry together. Although I'm sure both of us have cried enough for an army. We need to talk. Please, on your blog write "call" That's all I need to hear. "Call". If it's too late for me to call, I want you to call me. I would ask you again, not order you. This is important to me, to you, to both of us. I want to do everything I possibly can. I devote my life to you and I don't want to go back to a life without you. I love you, You've said that you love me, and I absolutely believe you. But I want to know anything and everything. We need to talk. Please, just write "call" and anything else. Be warned, if you even use it in a paragraph un-intentionally I'll still call -.^

Been awake since 11:09:41 PM

This doesn't even make sense
What happened?
I can't help if I don't know
I can't understand if there's no one to explain
I can't deal
I can't do anything
Tell me it's not coming to that
Rae-chan. I love you. And I don't try to use this as a tool. Please tell me
Please tell me my worries are wrong
And it's not coming to that
It can't come to that

Been awake since 10:35:35 PM

Monday, November 4

>_< I think Rae-chan somehow missed the last post. o_o I'll re-iterate.

I WILL BE ONLINE AT 9:30 BE ON, RAE-CHAN. PLEASE

Been awake since 1:26:35 PM